I honestly hate that term. Probably because it fits me to a T.
I have lived the majority of my life just wanting people to like me. I wanted to be friends with everyone. While that's a lofty goal, it's also unhealthy to an extent.
It started as just being agreeable...which is also a positive trait. However, when you begin stressing out about whether or not your actions have caused someone to be upset with you, it becomes negative.
That's where I've lived. Someone's body language could send me into a world of anxiety and stress wondering what I've done to upset them. It could be nothing. They could have been sick, but everything was internalized. Everything came back to me and something that I needed to fix. Even typing this is causing that tightness in my stomach.
Up until about 2 years ago, I made most of my decisions based on what was expected of me. I'm not saying that my life was not what I wanted it to be or that I would have made different decisions. I'm just saying that I made the choices that wouldn’t make waves. The choices that kept everyone else happy…until now.
I can no longer be a people pleaser and be happy.
Now, this is a work in progress. I still have those moments where I sit and worry that I’ve upset someone or let them down. But, I also realize that my choices hold no value if I am not making them for myself. What good is it to do things just because that's what other people want you to do. At some point, you have to do those things because it's what YOU want.
I sincerely wish I could push a button and make the worry and anxiety of it all just go away. That would be awesome. I'm so tired of worrying that someone will be disappointed in me for decisions that I make that in return make me happy. If someone doesn't agree with my decisions, I respect that. I'm not saying that I'm right and you're wrong. I'm just saying that friendship is possible between people with differing opinions.
My worth is not wrapped up in what other people think of me.
At this point in my life, conditional friendship is not an option. Conditional love is not an option. Love me because I'm me. Don't love me because I never mess up or always make the popular choice.
Love me because I'm Amber. I'm worth it.