the fitness fight.

Fitness haunts me. True story.

I never, ever have a need to casually step on the scale, certainly not without the proper emotional preparation and definitely not after ingesting any sort of sustenance.

I become envious of the casual and easy relationship with weight I imagine other people must have.

"Let's just see here," I imagine them saying before hopping onto the scale -- probably with their shoes still on.  Devils.

People like this only ever gain or lose half a pound. They could weigh themselves immediately following Thanksgiving dinner-- with a Tupperware full of leftovers in one hand and a ham hock in the other -- and their weight would be the same give or take half a pound.

I merely breathe and gain 10. This is why my relationship with the scale is much more complicated.

My scale sits in its usual spot in the bathroom, where I will be tempted to step on it at regular intervals like an OCD homeowner repeatedly checking the locks.

And when I do step on it, I rip off every possible article of clothing -- if I could temporarily donate a kidney I would -- and then step onto the scale, close my eyes, hold my breath, say a quick prayer and look down.

If I sound neurotic -- which I do and I am -- it's because my weight has been up and down (usually more up than down) for many years of my life.  Although I was a sports nut growing up, I was still quite heavy thick fluffy.  I've lost weight -- grant it, it was due to a diseased gallbladder.  Great diet.

Then I got well and gained some back.  Then lost some.  Then gained some.  Yadda yadda.  Before I got married, I had lost a good 30-40 pounds.  After the wedding, they were showing back up like unwanted guests. 

Most of this struggle can be attributed to PCOS.  It's not awesome.  Not at all.  And because of this diagnosis, it's even harder to manage your weight.  Dirty punk.

Though I feel like I've managed to maintain a consistent weight loss since March, I'm convinced those 30 pounds are waiting -- plotting, really -- for the chance to snap back onto my body if I don't actively avoid them. To this end, I often torture myself by thinking about what I'm putting into my mouth, what I'm going to be putting into my mouth or what I already put into my mouth.

I'd recently been having one of those weeks months where I thought it best to avoid the scale, as I knew it would only lead to self-deprecation. I had just come home from vacation and told myself, I would get back to hitting the gym and then weigh in a few days.
After those days were up, I gave myself an insane pep talk and hopped on to discover I had maintained....while on vacation! 

This was impossible.  We ate like beasts!  (Of course, I'm not complaining...)

The mister and I have worked hard since March to change our lifestyle rather than "diet."  It's definitely a slow process, but it's paying off!  I've lost 12 pounds so far.  If I can continue getting my sleepy self out of bed in the mornings and going to the gym, it will improve! 

I'm pumped and ready for a healthier me.  So, here's to getting fit! 
Are you on MyFitnessPal?  Let's be friends and encourage each other.
Username: ambernhank